Reblog from: Chickswagger.com 2-13-2014
Happy Almost Valentine’s Day!
I thought it would be a great time to reminisce about Valentines gifts of yesteryear…
Take last year’ offering from my husband. Now, don’t get all judgey with your significant other if they don’t measure up. My husband has had A LOT a practice–this is our 20+ V-day together after all!
Got your expectations reined in? Great. Prepared to be wowed.
My hubby really dug deep last year to find that one true gift that really said, “I LOVE YOU, and I know exactly what will make your heart flutter.”
There she is, Carmen Electra in all her late 90’s glory, with a magnificent 5 DVD Aerobic Striptease Box set! I still get tears in my eyes when I remember the moment when he pulled it from the unwrapped Amazon box. *Verklempt*
I’m actually going to dust it off and remove the precious cellophane packaging so I can really share the thoughtfulness of this gift with you. Wowy-wow-wow! Carmen really brings the magic with this collection. 233 minutes of primo stripping and lap-dancing instruction all guaranteed to make ME fit to strip!
Thanks Honey, you shouldn’t have! No really, you should. Not. Have.
Carmen was great, but even her tiny-butt wagging awesomeness can’t compete with my husbands V-day gift from a few years back.
Let me set it up, I had just given birth to my THIRD boy child and I had heard rumors of this thing called a “push gift.” All my big city girlfriends had gotten them from their husbands, in the form of bling-bling, while they were still in Labor and Delivery! What an amazing memorial to the effort of carrying a parasite for 10 months, (You feel me on the 10 months ladies–9 months is such a lie!) and then pushing it through your vajay-jay into the world!
I was certain that the celestial convergence of Valentine’s Day with the uprise in popularity of “push gifts” would guarantee me something sparkly–scratch that–I wanted diamonds, for my ears. Really big ones that a Texan would be proud to wear.
It can’t be! A PORTER-CABLE PCL180CDK-2 1/2-Inch 18-Volt Lithium Compact Drill/Driver Kit with 424 in/lbs of torque, 2 Speed Gear Box, and a 22 Position clutch! He even went all out and bought the EXTENDED warranty, just in case I went all This-Old-House on it, and wore it out. Does my man know how to please his little lady or what!? I could go back thorough the V-day gift archives, but I know I’m just heaping salt in your wounds.
So, this year, if you get cut flowers, or potted flowers, or balloons, or chocolate, or an unsigned Texaco card, or nothing at all…
Just remember, you could have gotten a gift that says you should be a lap-dancing stripper, who is able to erect men–and framing walls–in a single bound!
Happy Valentines Day ladies. Go get your sweety-pie a spa-day gift certificate and call it good!
In the comments, please tell me the best OR worst Valentine’s gift you’ve ever gotten?
All my Best,
PS> I’m gearing up for the release of my 2nd Vegas Dragon book with a Rafflecopter giveaway.
Enter often and tell your friends!